wacky.....
the whole thing is kinda wacky...and i end up feeling like the bad guy.  so joe tried to kill himself, he took 23 ibuprofin, and 44 tylenol, a couple of muscle relaxers.....all because of something stupid.

I know that amanda hates me, I know she does.  I know all she probably does is talk shit about me behind my back, and why i don't know.  I've never done anything mean to her, i've never once tried to treat her bad.  I know she's kinda pissed at me now because jon and ryan like me.  that kind makes me laugh.
 

but another discussion to come up later about jon and ryan.

anyhow, so joe tries to kill himself.....and, jesus.  I'm so worried about the poor guy, well maybe i'm not.  some how, and for some reason....there is a part of me that doesn't really give a rats ass about what happens to him.  I did at first, but i can't shake the feeling that he did it for attention.  that he did it almost because maybe he wants to get me back by making me feel sorry for him.  i think he told me that all those people said stuff about me to isolate me.  I can't shake the feeling....i want to shake it...i want to shake it real bad.  but it's not going away, and i feel terrible because i feel like i caused it.  i feel like since i didn't call him tonight and let him know that i'll stand by him when he needs me, i feel like a bad person.  maybe i am, but i'm scared of him.

i'm scared that he DID do all this for attention, i don't want to know if he did.  I want him to get counsling, and i want him to talk to someone who wont judge him.  and i want them to come to the conclusion that he really is messed up and needs some help.  I don't want him to come to find out that, he did this all for attention.  because that in it's self is sicker than being messed up and wanting to kill yourself.

joe is a good kid, and if he applied himself maybe a little more, and didn't exaggerate stuff so much he would probably make a lot more friends.  i just think that i in know way caused this attempted suicide...but i feel guilty for some reason.    maybe it's cos i block it out and allow myself not to be bothered by it.


what does bother me is this whole ryan vs. jon stuff.  god jon is sooooo cute...he's so nice and sweet.  he's a sweetie for just halfway backing off and letting ryan have me....if ryan REALLY wants me..., thats nice of him.  and ryan is so cute and nice and fun.  I just.....god i wish i knew which one is better for me.  I wish i knew these things.  I'm so flattered that they both like me...

i want ryan,, i want jon....and how do i fucking decide!!!!!!!!!  i mean..they're both cute, nice, sweet, funny...blady blah.....

so why do they both want me?


May 02, 1999