May 6, 1999
*sigh*...ryan and I have been going out for two days.....and i think
i'm falling pretty hard for him. it sucks, it sucks a lot.
i mean for quite a number of reasons....
*he's leaving for college in 3 months.
*he's got a rep for a player
*i'm so scared of losing control of my life that i can't tell him anything.
*he's one of those guys who is probably not gonna say i love you to
me.
*he probably doesn't like me nearly as much as i like to think he does.
*sigh* and here i am...falling hard for the guy. you have those dreams
when your a little girl, or even when you get older. like, "oh i'd
love it if a guy would kiss my neck" or "I love it when they play
with my hair."
mine were so much more than that though. i loved to be pulled in
to be kissed, hands entwined in my hair. I love to be controlled,
i love to be forced into stuff...not really forced but pressured sort of,
that i can still pull away from it if i really want to. I love just
staring into a persons eyes and having them just stare right back, each
other both not knowing what the other one is thinking. I love it
when your making out with someone and they lay on top of you, and they
don't have their hands resting on your chest or like all over you trying
to grope you every place possible.
but they just rest them on the outsides of your hips, and if you were actually
having sex with that person, they'd use your hips for leverage to push
off of.
and the stupid bastard *pun* does all these things. and thats why
i'm falling hard for him. he makes me laugh, i make him laugh.
I can actually be kinda goofy with him and not get the wierdest of looks
from people. he thinks i'm cute, he thinks i'm pretty, *sings
a stupid country songs* "he thinks i'm pretty, he thinks i'm smart...likes
my nerve and he loves my heart..."
okay maybe not, but i like to pretend. ryan, he just makes me so
happy.....
I went out to eat with amanda today..it was a little awkward....cos, with
everyone else it's like i can actually talk to them. with amanda
it's like we talk at each other, and it's always been like that and god
help me if i know why. she's just, so shallow. and i try to
be nice to everyone. keep your friends close and your enimies closer.
speaking of enimies, I love kristy. she is not my enemy, i adore
the girl to pieces and pieces. she has her bad faults, but so does
everyone. I love her and i love angi just pieces to pieces.
I haven't talked to angi in a long time, i wish i could. I miss the
girl....if ryan and i go out for too much longer he'll have to meet her.
just cos all my boyfriends have to meet angi. I love her, and she'll
probably always be one of the main focal points of my life. kristy
too.
and mike is an angel =) i love that boy to pieces, same with seth
and aaron....
joe scares me. he survived, and now he's like just fine with it.
it's almost like he forgot everyone was mad at him cos he lied to all of
us and about all of us. but he like tries to kill himself and then
just goes on. It's sick really, but i guess you live and you have
to let live. oh well.
i miss ryan already, i was thinking about him today in class...just missing
the way he holds his arms around me. the way he touches me constantly,
i'm pathetic. and i'm hopeless, no matter how much i tell myself
"don't fall in love again..." i know i will, and i know
i'm gonna get hurt....and i guess it's not even really losing the love
that i gained, or being hurt, or being betrayed that hurts. it's
the whole fact that i know i'm going to get hurt by this guy sooner or
later...
and theres nothing i can do to stop it. it's like death....nothing
you can do but wait for it to happen.
