May 16, 1999


senior's graduated today....it kinda depressed me but not a whole hell of a lot.  cos well, there was not really anyone i cared about in that class.  what did depress me is, yeah i got shunned by my group again.  But let's analyze the group i got shunned by.
 

there's amanda, who's a shallow bitch.  who is a hypocrit by saying how selfish everyone else is but is like the most selfish person i've ever met.  there's katie who would die to be in with that group, why i don't know.  and emily who is...just, well i like emily.  i kinda admire emily and i wish i could be like her.  but thats not going to happen.
 

and dolly, whom i love beyond words.  didn't even talk to me today, maybe she didn't see me.  but it upset me...and bridgett didn't talk to me much either.
 

what do i do to piss females off?  it's me and kristy that always get shit on for some reason.  maybe it's cos we flock to one another, but it's like they are always mad at us for something and we always end up going "what did i do this time?"

and we didn't do anything!!!!  nothing, accept be nice to them.  even after they all treat us like shit, were still nice to them.

theres a big part of me that just wants to live out the next week of school by just blurting out at any moment exactly how i feel.  and yes shunning them.  Becuase this hurts, and i don't know why i should have to take this.  I consider myself to be a farely decent human being....but god only knows what i've done.  cos i don't know what i did to piss them off.

Maybe it's cos kristy and i are more attracted to boys...and not fake people.  and males tend to be attracted to us.  because were fun...because were nice.  Kristy got one guy that amanda wanted.(eyelash boy)..and I got two (ryan and jon).  I also got one guy that katie wanted (joe)..and i'm one up on emily because i had james before she did.

so why...when these people treat me like shit constantly do i put up with it?  i have no clue, and i think thats something left to be discovered in my life.

one more week of school left for me....3 days left for my baby ryan.  i adore him, he's so sweet.  I know he doesn't love me as much as i love him...and i know he probably will never do that..  but oh well, he makes me feel great.  and right now thats all that matters to me.

If i had to pick a nickname....i'd want to be called dizzy.  just cos of that song by the goo goo dolls.  I love it =)

"your cynical and beautiful
you always make a scene
your monochrome delierous
your nothing that you seem
I'm drowning in your vanity
your laugh is a disease
your dirty and your sweet
you know your everything to me..."
"I wanna kill at the machine
That made you piss away you dreams
Tear down your defenses
Till there's nothing there but me
You're angry when you're beautiful
Your love is such a tease
I'm drowning in your Dizzy noise
I wanna feel you scream"
I love love love love love love love love love that song.  and you know what other song i REALLY like....crush, by Dave Matthews Band.
"crazy, how it feels tonight
crazy how you
make it all alright
you crush me with those
things you do
and i do for you
anything
sitting, smoking
feeling high
and in this moment
it feels so right...
lovely lady, I am at your feet
god i want you so badly"

"lovely lady, let me drink you please
i wont spill a drop no i promise you
lying under this SPELL you cast on me
each moment the more i love you..."
 

if someone ever told me either of those two songs reminded them of me...or that described the  way they felt about me...they'd have me so far out in my little pool that i'd be drowning.  HOPEFULLY that person would save me too.....being saved is nice =).