june 14,

on light of my last entry, ryan and i are still together...miraculously.

for starters lets just get the whole point out into the open and in view for everyone to see.  i love him...i adore him...and so quickly....it's so scary for me to just sit here and need him so goddamn much....

"i'm so tired of living for your touch
I'm so tired of needing you so much"

the last time i was in like this, i got ripped into pieces.  just remembering how i felt after the last time someone i really cared about just up and walked out of my life, makes me want to be utterly and completely sick...inside and out.  just thinking about being in that much emotional pain again makes me want to throw up.....i remember the nights when i would just cry because i was so alone.  i hate being SO alone....i hate, i hate not knowing what is going to happen in the future.

i think the thing that scares me the most...is maybe ryan is just like me.  maybe he sits there and is all scared too...maybe he analyzes my behavior to beyond the point of control.....

but somehow i doubt it...i just do.  and another thing that annoys me about myself is the fact that i want to believe everything he tells me....but something has made me such a...cynic...that i can't.  he just scares the living and complete shit out of me...

he has the power to hurt me....and i'm automatically afraid of anyone that has that power.   i mean, there are so many things i want to tell him...so much that i want to give him....but i don't even know if he wants it!!!  i'm so afraid of pushing him into something he doesn't want to be in...i'm afraid of losing control again.....i'm afraid, i can't help it.  and i know my fear....isn't going to make his go away.

there is so much more to him than he's willing to show me...thats why somewhere in this twisted mess that is called life i honestly believe that he's just like me.

a cute little kid holding a big gun pointed at the world begging "please don't hurt me again".
a normal human being surrounded by a wall
a human in life that has "no tresspassing" invisibly tatooed on their forhead.

i want him to want me...i want him to need me as much as i need him.  I WANT SOMEONE to need me as much as i need them.

either give me that or take away this desperation that i have for love.  take away my emotions please...strip me of any feeling possible...accept happiness.  make me dolly!  please....i can't deal being so in love with someone...

and so scared of their next move...

"you seduce me. lonely in your hell
naked and hungry, i crawl into your cell
a virtual drugstore is piled on your bed
i can't resist with your tounge in my head"

i feel so scared...and there's nothing i can do.  accept.....*laugh* like an animal trainer on T.V....i just guess i have to wait for him to get used to my presence before he'll come around and interact with me.

and for some reason....i'm waiting.....i'm waiting for him, where i wouldn't wait for anyone else...i'm waiting for him...

and i'm praying that i'm not waiting for something thats never going to happen.

"i keep breaking all the promises
that i keep making to myself
you'd think by now that i'd be over this
feeling sorry for myself
so why does everything seem so desperate now
i shoujld be feeling so alive
but it feels like something is missing
something is wrong somehow
it fees like something deep inside
has died...
so why do i feel desperate now?
why do i feel like dying?
why do i feel desperate now?"