july 6 1999

how does it come to be that i know i have to get up in less than 6 hours and go to drill team.  i know i'm irresponsible..i didn't get everyone on my list called...fuck it....i don't care...i was fucking busy this weekend.....i'm sorry

how does it come to be taht still even atn 1:26 in the morning i'm here by myself.

thinking about nothing but 5 people in my life....thinking about absolutly nothing but 5 people.  

Angi, Ryan, Kristy, Kelpie, Mike


in no particular order those people come into my thoughts and leave....come into my head and wander out again.  those four people that i love with everything i have in me drift in and drift out so slowly,....so painstakingly do they wander into my head.

Angi has always been my angel, angi has always been the one who has stood by me through thick and thin, never let me down once.  always been my angel, my savior....i'd do anything for her, anything under the sun she asked if it was in my power i'd do anything i can for her....i love her to death....and she only deserves the best in the world.  she's so beautiful, and caring, and artisic, creative, loving, entertaining, amusing, funny, angelic, wonderful person i've ever met

angi fills my emptyness, she does the things that no one else can do.  and she brings out the best person inside of me...she brings out of me this part that i've never seen....and not many other people have seen.  she brings out me.....and she's the best at it...and she deserves an angel.

*which is not me*

I don't have any clue how i can get so incredibly and fully attached to someone that i know is going to walk in now and walk right out of my life in a month or two.  I love ryan, i honestly love him.  he stirs up emotions that i never even knew exsisted with in me...everything i ever felt for james, gary, ryan,....anyone......is stirred up by him.  stirred up and exzemplified 10 times more.  i would willingly lay down my body and let him do what ever he wants with me....i'd willingly give him my heart and let him squeeze everything he had out of it and then hand it back to me drained and broken.  

and i think thats whats going to happen between us.  he has got my heart...and here are all these emotions flooding out of me like niagra floods over it's cliffy edges.  and when he finally says those words i can't bear to hear....he'll hand it back to me an empty shell.....and there's nothing i can do.  there's nothing i want to do accept love him....i want to lvoe him..i want to give him everything i've got within me i don't care what he does with me..WHY?  beacuse he deserves to be loved like that...I've seen this side of him that's so great, he gave something to ME that is sooo unbelievably special to me and i know that i'll cherish it always... he desrves to be loved with out barriers,..he deserves to be loved beyond my feeble attempt at words can express?  why??  because i know him...he's an angel...he's such a sweetie.....and he deserves an angel in return.

*and i know thats not me*

Kristy has never let me down either.....no matter what happens she's always sticking right by my side.  i love that girl to pieces and pieces.....she's becoming my 2nd angi....she's also starting to pull the inner me out of it's shell and bring me out into the light again.  and she's so good at it....she's a huge sweetie and i dont' think i've ever met anyone like her.

kristy is beautiful, loving, caring, considerate, smart, ....she's everything i could ask for in a human being.....she deserves an angel

*and it's not me*

Kelpie......All i have to say is kelpie and i get chills.  i cannot believe i've found this kind of a person....and the complete and raw depth emotion he is able to stir up inside me is amazing considering i've never actualy met the guy.  I don't know how i found him...or how he found me.  all i know is i can't live without him......he's my angel.  he saves me from myself, he's actually the only person who's ever been able to do that.  he gives me the courage, the streghth i need to survive.

he gave me my only will to go one with life instead of just giving up when things get hard.  he needs to flap his wings and fly and find some angels to play with

*ones unlike me*

and mike has always been there when i needed a shoulder to cry on.  mike has always been my one true love in life and if i could give him the world i would.  he deserves everything."

*he deserves better angels than me...and he's the only one who actually know's it.*

so why do they stick around?   why do they stick by me?

maybe, i am an angel.  maybe i just don't know it.....maybe i can keep them here and safe with me.  maybe i can put them all in little boxes and tuck them away in the valves of my heart and when i'm sad pull them out and hold them in my arms untill my tears subside and my smile returns to my face.  just like ryan always wants me to smile.



"i am so tired of living for your touch
I'm so tired of needing you so much"

it was my sister linda who wrote a poem that included the line "if wishes came true you'd still be here"

if i had the magickal power to make them all stay by my side i would. but all i want is for them all to be busting with happiness...with or with out me.

i want angi to be happy with nate....i want her to find everything she wants in life and squeeze it for all its worth and lay down in her bed at night smiling.

 I want kristy to have the power she wants to have over people...i want everyone to look at her as i do and know that YES she really is beautiful.  and it's not just an illusion...like everyone else...she's actually beautiful

I want kelpie to find what he wants in life...and i want him to have fun while he's at it...i want him to icq me one night and just say "staci i've never been this happy in my life"

I want mike to smile all the time.  i just want to know that wherever he is...whoever he's with...they're making him laugh...and making him smile.  and making him talk all deep and silly like i make him do.

And i want ryan to be happy, i want him to find what ever he wants and just.....god ....i just want him to be happy.  i want to please him i want to make him smile, make him laugh, i want to drive him completely insane with happiness...well maybe not.  but i do want to make the boy smile enough he wants to stay with me

forever.

and maybe if i say these words enough...maybe if i write them finally...maybe my emotion will finally pour out so much into the universe that it will happen.

angi will call me up just busting with happiness.  I'll see kristy so happy she can't stop smiling.  I'll read an e-mail from kelpie that makes me cry cos i know he's so happy.  I'll watch mike laugh and just be engorged in happiness.  And i'll get to see ryan smile and do whatever it is that he loves to do, whether he's mine or not.  I jsut want to see him happy.  I WANT him to be happy with me...i want to be able to hold him in my arms foever and just listen to him breathe.

i love them all to death.  and i want to wrap them i happiness and watch over them forever.

like an angel would

-amen-