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| Woah.....I just realized that Ryan turns 19 in a month. and he's
not even going to be at home on his birthday....he'll already be at college. that boy get so tired....and when he gets so tired he gets so moody. I still love him to death though....he just worries me a lot. it's easy for me to get scared when people are tired and convictive and....oh god i don't care. I love him....pleah...i love him a lot =) Him and his cute little self. Went to the Races tonight w/Kristy and Amanda. Amanda actually called me and ended up meeting kristy and myself at Pizza Hut and riding to the races with us. Then ryan was there...and shane hesse (hesse boy) and Jay, and a bunch of other kids. Jesse was there....he's so cute =) and so was Jon. apparantly according to amanda jon has been a dick lately. it was an interesting story.....it was about amanda and dolly racing. they didn't race tonight.....but everytime they do they get made fun of. i guess it bothers me when people make fun of my friends....but what can i do accept yell at them? and yelling doesn't seem to do much good. *sigh* it's not fair...everyone else can be depressed but i can't. I'm all raggy and pmsy this week and for some reason it's NOT OKAY for me to be sad. i mean.......i really kinda just want to be alone and left alone but that isn't possible. I guess i want to see Angi, Kristy and Ryan. but maybe it's just i don't want to be around my parents cos i hate them....i guess i don't hate them...it's just ....ughhhh!!. they're sooo stupid....i mean, if i don't see ryan one day of the week....they like go off on me..."he doesn't care about you at alll..." "he's gonna break up with you....if he hasn't already." "well i guess it doesn't bother you cos you don't really care about him do you?" "he treats you like crap" "did he even call you? does he go out of his way for you??" FUCKING YES!!!!!! okay....the guy jumps through hoops to be with my skanky self. okay?????? he does care about me....he's not gonna break up with me......and I DO FUCKING CARE ABOUT HIM!!!!. and it doesn't register with them...and they hound me and hound me and make me bawl everytime. they make me insecure and then i end up looking like a bitch cos i go off on someone else and or get all paranoid around ryan because of them!!!!!!!!! She always accuses me of lying to her too. and it's like.....why would i lie to you???? i have nothing to hide...nothing to keep secret. the only time i lie to you is actually to protect myself........cos i find myself lying to them about things ryan did or said just to keep them off my ass. i mean, i love him to death. and i'd love to see him everyday but thats not possible...and i understand that perfectly fine....but apparantly they don't. apparantly every relationship i'm in friendly or romatic they have to have complete and utter control over. for some reason they won't let me be untill they're sure that things in my life are the way they want them.. Well fuck you. and guess what!!! I'm 18 in like 4 months and then if i want to move out I can. If i want your name off my shit and off my life I Can have it. if i want to get married i can do it. and guess what....i'll do fine out on my own in college. yes i'm scared but i know i can make it through. yes i know i'm just this stupid little faliure to you but i can do good things in life. I AM NOT GOING TO BE A FALIURE. and ryan does love me......maybe some day if i'm lucky he'll do what i've always wanted some guy to do. no....not marry me. but actually come right out and say to my parents..."hey...you know what? you've got one special daughter over there and i'm damn lucky to have her. i love your daughter jim and roline. she's great" maybe not in those exact words...but something to that point. if someone ever did that for me...i'd give them anything they wanted. ANYTHING!!!. and then i could die...a happy person. Sometimes i wonder seriously what i'm doing here in life. i mean......like.....what is my purpose and cause? why do i belong here and why do i have such shit for parents? i mean...why can't they just leave me alone and let me be happy. why am i sitting here.....again......in my diary bawling my eyes out. why? thats alll i want to know.....Why? ryan i love you ryan i love you ryan i love you
ryan i love you ryan i love you ryan i love you ryan i love you ryan i
love you ryan i love you ryan i love you ryan i love you ryan i love you
ryan i love you ryan i love you ryan i love you ryan i love you ryan i
love you ryan i love you ryan i love you ryan i love you ryan i love you
ryan i love you ryan i love you "don't walk to
close
don't breath so
soft
don't talk so sweet
don't sing
don't lay oh so
near
please don't let
me fall in love with you again"
i am the most pathetic human being on earth.
AND IF YOUR HERE ON MY PAGE SIGN MY GUESTBOOK PLEASE...and thank you. "please don't say
i love you
those words touch
me much to deeply
they make my core
tremble
i don't think you
realize the effect you have over me
and please don't
come so clsoe
it just makes me
want to make you near me always
please don't kiss
me so sweet
it makes me crave
a thousand kisses to follow
and please don't
touch me like that
it makes every
other embrace
seem pale and shallow
and please don't
look at me like that
i makes me want
to make you near me always
please don't bring
me flowers
they only whisper
the sweet things you say
and don't try to
understand me
your hands already
know to much anyway
and it makes me
want to make you near me always
and when you look
in my eyes
please know
my heart is in
your hands
it's nothing that
i understand
but in your arms
you have complete power over me
so be gentle if
you please
cos your hands
are in my hair
but my heart is
in your teeth
and it makes me
want to make you near me always."
now i crave him....now i crave his touch......now.......right now in this moment......i've never ever needed anyone as much as i need him right now. and here i sit.....alone. once again, at this vuneralbe point in time in my exsistance....i am alone. with no one to hold but myself. |