WELL!  My life got interesting.....*LOL*  isn't it always....i jsut start to sit down in my easy chair and think...hey, i can relax...and then WHOOSH...the chair flips right?  thats always how it works. 

Okay...for starters..Lets start w/tuesday at about oh...6:01 p.m.  I'm reading my guestbook on my webpage...here's the excerpt....hehe 

"your too involved with things. just let them happen. and if they don't go your way just say fuck it and....then do. you seam to be very nice and that ryan guy must be really lucky. don't get too attached(although you probobly aready are) cause if he is like me he'll be gone soon. im sorry if i offend you or anything. i'll keep in touch ~billy~(not real name)" 

Okay..now this pisses me off a lot...I'm all like....it's my life i can never be too involved with things.  because it's my life....and i do just let them happen.  is there anyway i can really stop them???  hey..i usually do just say "fuck it" and i do...but i can have other emotions than "fuck it"...thanks, I am nice.  I am very nice....and ryan is very lucky.  yes..i already am too attached....and i know he'll be gone soon.  YES YOU OFFENDED ME......don't bother keeping in touch.  AND YOU SHOULDN"T HAVE SAID THAT SHIT UNLESS YOUR MAN ENOUGH TO PUT YOUR REAL NAME BEHIND IT.

that was my inital reaction to that.....INITIAL mind you...

at about 9:00 exactly i found out that it was Ryan...who wrote that.  my ryan...the one i was in love with.  so i pulled him over to my car and we talked and talked and he was like "it's like that 98 degrees song..."the hardest thing"" and i'm like..."if you really love someone you stay with them" and he's like "i want two things and i can't have them both" and i'm like..."what do you want?" 
"to be single" <--he said that first...so thats what he wanted.
and i'm like..."and..." 
"and you...." 
"oh...well you can't have both"

so...like the bitch i am...i push the issue and make him chose.    and like the bitch i am.....when he says he wanted to stay with me cos he loved me.....i said "no....cos it's better if you don't...and you know it" and he's like "but you said i can change my mind later..." and i'm like "yeah..and it'll hurt more then....I have to look out for myself too." and he's just like "i don't know what i want" and i'm like "if fate wants us to be together we'll be together..despite what happens right now.." and he's like..."I don't believe in fate."

and those words just crushed me...those words just broke my heart into two solid pieces.  how can he say "your too involved...just let things happen.." if he doesn't believe in fate?

anywho...so things went back and forth like that for a while and finally he handed me my ring...gave me a hug and walked away.  I don't know what he did the rest of the night...rachael told me they sat and talked and he was just really bad.  like upset and what not...and all i can think is..."ryan i loved you....but you sent me away."  actually no...he let me go after i pushed it.  cos i know it was better for both of us.....i know it was.

so does the fact that i know this make me doubt my feelings i had for him?

no....I loved him....I loved him a hell of a lot.....but just like every other relationship i'm in....it's too strong a love.....they other person is always too young on an emotional level.  ryan needs to grow up a bit before he's ready for someone to love him like i did.....i loved him too strongly. 

but thats something i can't change about myself...i am involved.....i'm obsessed.....it's my life and i want to live it to the fullest and most exciting extent that it can be lived by.  with rules of course...

do i have hard feelings?  no....none...i still think ryan is a great guy =)  he's such a sweetie.....theres only one thing that bothers me.  and thats the fact that if he knew when he started going out with me that he didn't want a girlfriend before college...why didn't he tell me then and save me the trouble of falling in love with him?  thats my only bitch...and thats the only one i will have.  he's an angel..and i wish him all the best.


NEXT ISSUE!!!!!  guess what that is?  haha....okay i feel like shit because Jon and ryan are best friends.  and ....the same goddamn thing happened with seth and joe and they hated each other for a while....and that hurt me the most cos i was like "this is my fault" damnit....and it's not like i tried to do it.....either.  i'm just there.....or maybe i do do it??????  what the hell....i don't know...and i don't understand and i'm not going to try to either.

Wow...so after all that happend with ryan i went to malarkys (dance club) and jon like caught me right when i walked in and asked me what happened.  he looked pretty shocked....we didn't talk about it much i was just like "yeah..this sucks.." and he's like "well you came here to have fun now lets go dance.." and so thats what i did.  i forced myself to have a good time...well not really forced.  i had a good time....Sarah and Lindsey were there.  They are such cuties...and Crystal and Kristy were with me in the car....they are angels =)  so sweet...so sweet my loved ones  I love those four girls to pieces...and i'm glad they were there.  them and jon made it easier.

okay so last night...wednesday..i went to the races like usual..and ryan and i didn't even speak.  I wanted to though...i just wanted to run up and hug him and be like...lets still be friends okay????  but i didn't...maybe if i give us BOTH time to cool down and let it slide it'll be easier...it's still hard and awkward now.  but i do still want to be friends with him.....good friends hopefully.

So the races went by....and i went up to main. and jon said he wanted to talk to me.  and about 45 minutes later we took a walk around the block....or around the block 3 times... and just talked.  he talked a little about anna...i mentioned james and ryan....and we just talked...about a lot of stuff.


it's so wrong of me not to just throw my whole thoughts out on here....it is my dairy and all.....but i know that people i know might read this....and i don't want anyone to get mad at me...or at anyone else.

anywho...yeah...so i'm okay.  I just want to be friends with ryan....and I just want Jon to keep being all sweet and cute.  cos thats the way i like him...and i do like him.  i guess probably in the back of my head..i alaways have.

not that i loved ryan any less....i loved him a hell of a lot.  but i've always in the back of my head liked jon..liked him a lot.  and thats why this is so hard.  cos they're best friends and i feel like a little bitch......but i guess it's really not my fault.  i cna't help it.....i'm just me.


July 29, 1999