August 1, 1999

 

Well tonight....maybe cos i'm just like uh....pmsing....and like still trying to get over the whole ryan thing.....and really for some reason missing jon.....was the hardest night of my life.

I've gotten all paranoid again....I feel like i've lost my friends that i made when ryan and i were going out.  I KNOW for a fact that i haven't....but for some reason i get the sneaking suspicion that maybe amanda is talking about me again.  I don't care actually....it just makes me feel bad.  and i'm just paranoid i guess....natural defense system i have. 

Well Ryan and i actually talked.....he gave me a hug, after a little begging......I guess i just felt really close to him and now it's like.....ehh, i'm not close with anyone anymore.  it's like....god i thought i meant a lot more to him than that.....for him to just be able to forget all about me and move on completely.......I just thought that I meant more.  it was probably just wishful thinking though......

So in my moving on case.....I played with all my little guy friends that i haven't been able to flirt with in a while.  Ben Raveling, Lindsey, and Sean W (whom i don't like) went out on friday night......it was fun.  Cos I LOVE ben...he is great.  and he stayed at my house untill like 3:30 in the morning just chit chatting with me.  it was great to have someone to talk to like that.....and ben and i have a lot in common.  he talked about kirsten (ex g/f) and i talked about ryan and james....and then he asked me what Jon and i talked about on our walk.

actually, I went cruising w/Shanin pranschke tonight (ryans lil brother) and he asked me what Jon and him talked about.  I think he knows something i don't. 

See the thing that scares me with jon is i'm half afraid that he's just going to use me......i don't know what for but there is that part of me thats scared of that.  so i want to take it real slow.

It's like that damn britney spears song.....like...sometimes or something like that......i can't believe i'm quoting britney spears.

"I wanna believe everything that you say...cos it sounds so good"

And this is what jons saying that i want to believe....cos it sounds so damn good.

"now if anything that i said tonight didnt make any sence maybe this will clarify i like you a lot, and there is no doubt in my mind that i will treat you good. that walk we took was running through my mind a million times. at work i was thinking of ways to tell you, or even what to say."

Sounds nice....Sounds almost too good to be true.....Sounds like as kelpie said which was so cute...

"ok.. anyhow.... i think Jon is going to like... spontaneously combust if you don't tell him *something*... even if it's "hey... I need some time"


anywho...yeah it's like that.  But all i know is absence does truely make the heart grow fonder.......I actually MISS jon...it's kinda crazy but i do....maybe just cos i know that i like him and i know that he's so cute and funny and just ...ACK!!!!

Fucking Brennan scared the piss out of me cos he said this...
"Ryan(your x?) is going to move on to a new relationship very quickly.  He will harbor feeling for you for a long time.  You and Jon will be a flash fire.  It will burn hot and quick.  Then it will burn out."

I think thats actually what got me scared.....I DON"T WANT  A FUCKING FLASH FIRE!!!!!  I'm actually starting to really like jon in his absence......he's so cute =).

Speaking of Jon, Lets bring up his Ex-G/f  rachael....who wants ryan BAD.  Who has always wanted ryan from the time she tried to get on him at the bowling alley when she hadn't seen jon in two weeks cos she' had been on vacation.  and she actually kissed the guy.  It was crazy....anywho i don't think she likes me much.....and i honestly don't care much for her either.  but what can you do.....I've never been nothing but nice to her.  She's the one who told me the night of the races...the night jon and i had our talk.....that ryan was realy upset the night before....saying stuff like "i wish i could wake up tomarrow and none of this would have happened"

I actually have a really hard time believing that......I mean.  It's almost like she was trying to get me to chase after ryan or something....and as far as i'm concerned...i've done my best, he can come to me if he wants me.  And i don't think he said that....and if he actually did I'd be so shocked.  oh well.

Ugh.....I dunno.  What i do know is Seth Norris is an angel....he drove around with me tonight and let me talk and talk and talk about everything thats been going on.  EVERYTHING accept jon.....he actualy told me that Jon went down to texas to see another girl....and i don't know wether to believe that or not.  cos....

cos i think seth might like me. 

shit...soap opera again.....arGG......

everyone stop!! okay....i'm just me.....I AM NOTHING SPECIAL.....eh..just ask ryan.

not that it's a bad thing if seth likes me.....i'm flattered....he's such a little cutie/sweetie.  It's just that right now...i'm into Jon.  I'm not going to like go right into a serious relationship.  for my sake, his sake, and ryan's sake....protect all three of us (just in case ryan does actually still care about me).  but if jon wants to take me out, hold my hand, come see me....chit chat....call me....and possibly give me a few kisses here and there he has all my permition.....but no serious commitments for a while.  and if i date jon like for a few weeks that will probably change.

That boy like had a power over me....I liked him from the first time i met him.  I barely spoke to him....didn't even know him.....and i was like "wow...i like jon".  it was really REALLY crazy.

and then everything got fucked up....like it always does.

I just hope it's not going to get fucked up again.
Britney Spears is such a slut...it makes me so mad that she wrote this song....cos it reminds me of myself damnit!!!
 

"Sometimes I run 
Sometimes I hide 
Sometimes I'm scared of you 
But all I really want is to hold you tight 
Treat you right, be with you day and night 
Baby all I need is time"