I've been through all sorts of emotions today...up and down and inside out and back around the curves again.  just by two things....

1) I found out that the blair witch project is going to be in spencer here on friday.  And i am going to see it w/angi and crystal right now.  BUT!!!  I have yet to talk to kristy...who is also coming whether she likes it or not.  and we are going to drag Jon, Seth, Smitty, Dan, maybe ryan....or anyone else who wants to come watch the movie.....with us.  And there going to meet at my hosue and were going to car pool up...and it's just going to be great.  when i came up with this plan i had uncontrollable smiles for 2 hours straight.  I am so fucking excited about this movie it's not even funny.....seriously.......i couldn't stop smiling.  and the fact that seth and smitty came to my house last night makes it better...and jon comes home tomarrow too so that makes it even better.  I'm just very happy about that.

2) someone asked me what the most horrible experience of my life has been today......

heres where i go off....so if you want to stop reading do it now.....because here now is my beginning of sucking myself into emotional torment...and rememberance.

I remember my mother going through her hyperthyroidism problem....when i was in 7th and 8th grade.  and i just remember mostly the incesstant comments....that still proceed through this day if she hasn't taken her medicine.

"god your so stupid.."
"can't you do anything right?"
"no wonder you can't get a boyfriend.....your hideous"

she's saying this to a 13/14 year old.  what the fuck does it matter back then if i have a boyfriend or not?.....

and i remember his pushing......and i remember my most favorite part about him.  his hands....he had fascinating hands.  I don't know but they always kept my attention very well.  maybe thats why he pushed me so much, pushed me emotionally.  I mean, those same hands that i was fascinated with.....mostly his fingers.....partially ripped open my insides. 

he basically raped me with his fingers.....i said no.....i said no so many goddamn times and he went ahead and did it anyway.  i was 14...he was 18.  and there i was just completely taken advantage of by someone i cared about....someone i thought i could have trusted.  just....emotionally and partially physically raped me.  i said no...no no no no no.....

and because of him i have a hard time saying no because i automatically assume that they're going to do it anyway.

I remember feeling so used and dirty.....but i guess after that i couldn't go back.  so yeah....it just kept happening again and again even though really i never wanted it to......but i didn't say no.  because i knew he didn't listen...

and then he broke up with me.....after he did that.  after he just...took advantage of my tiny little body....took advantage of my innocence....THE FUCKER WAS MY FIRST KISS for God's holy sake......and he just took advantage of me.  and then left me....because i wasn't "enough" for him.

i actually ended up going out with the bastard again later.....because i was actually able to sit myself down and forgive him.  I FORGAVE HIM.....he should have been on his knees begging for my forgiveness.  i don't know......

all i know is anytime i get physically close with someone i'm so scared, i never show it though maybe.  i dunno.....i just get scared of whats happening.....and it's almost like i make myself numb and can't feel anything because i'm so scared.

that has to be one of the most horrid memories i have.

but yeah in the end.....once again i wasn't enough for james.  but my best friend emily was......

i remember him trying to break up with me on a saturday and i lost it.  I wish to god that i would have just gotten up and left and drove home so he wouldn't have seen me bawling....so he wouldn't have seen me lose control.  I was crying so hard i couldn't see straight....i couldn't see anything.  my body was erattic and strange...i didn't know what was happening all i knew was i was scared shitless.

what would i do without him.....theres that like......open emptiness you feel and you feel like your falling down a pit and theres absolutely nothing you can do to stop yourself from falling.  it's like i was so hoplessly devoted to him......and then he was just like...bye bye i'm leaving.

well that saturday some where in my maddness i convinced him to stay with me.  and i went to a drill team dance that night and he went out w/his friends......and at the dance i sat in a corner and bawled....and that 3rd eye blind "hows it gonna be" song played twice that night.  music is my life...and it always in some way seems to connect with me in one way or another.....its so crazy.  so anyway...yeah...and emily comforted me that night....that was the last night we ever really did anything as friends.

tuesday james and i broke up for good.  and you know i was hurt and blah blah blah....and i tried to keep my typical ex-girlfriend comments to myself....but i accidently let one slip.  and when i did i realized what i had said and i was like "oh god that was mean of me....I'm sorry i said that".  But amanda and katie whom had heard the comment refused to acknowledge i said taht.....and went straight to james.  pulling hte whole staci's a bitter ex girlfriend shit......this was like a week after.  but that hurt a lot....because they were my friends......

I also remember running through the mall bawling.....becuase i was so heartbroken.  that had to be the most horrific moment of my life......i couldn't stop crying no matter what i did...i just sat in some places and bawled uncontrollably...it was so embarassing.....so fucking embarrasing..it's making me disugsted just to think about it.

if it weren't for Angi....who came and calmed me down that night at the mall.....i would have probably done something really stupid.  and thats a huge reason of why i love angi so much......she dropped everything and came running to me.  cradled my little body in her arms while i cried.   i didn't get to see her for very long that night....but i'll never EVER forget her doing that for me.....not as long as i live.

And the saturday after james and i broke up we had speech contests.  and james and i had played this couple in love during our readers theater play.  and we did it okay and what not...i survived...he survived.....but when the judge was giving us comments she said "have you guys ever been in love?  do you know what it's like?"

And thank the gods for crystal castro.  if she hadn't have grabbed my hand and pulled me back into reality instead of letting me wonder off in my world of "what the fuck do i do now....".....i would have been dead right there and then.  I never have told her how much i appreciated that single gesture of affection....she saved my life. and saved me a hell of a lot of embarassment......and i think thats one of the reasons i love her so much too.

And Kristy is one of my most dearest and special people.....she ran to me ....to my house at 9:30 at night the night james and i broke up and hugged me and talked and what not.  i called her cos i knew she could make me laugh...and she did.....and i love her so unbelievably much for that.  I owe her so much.....

And kelpie.....who has never met me....who's only contact w/me has been the invention known as icq.....sat with me night after night and convinced me that i was going to be okay....night after night on icq for hours on end.....just telling me that i would survive.....he's done that for me too many times....to many for me to count

And finally Travis whom i called crying....and we'd sit there and try and figure out what was going on inside james's little head.......scheming and planning........and basically he helped me convice myself that i could do better and that i desrved better than james could ever give me.  Travis is an angel

those 5 have picked up my shattered pieces of life time and time again...and i owe them the world.  I really should take the time and tell them personally what that meant to me.

i don't care though....I love ryan and he did waht he had to do.  he's still a little angel.

But jon in his own suttle way saved me that night. 

Which brings me to the point that i guess out of every horrid situation something good has to come.....

My mother keeps me from being concieted.
Gary gave me the power to forgive someone...no matter what they've done.
James taught me what good friends are and what it feels like to really care about some one.
And ryan brought me into life again.....and were still friends...so it's good.

so really......is love worth all that hastle....all that pain?

in my book yes......it is.  theres no other feeling greater than love......no other feeling worse than it either though.  It swings both ways.....thats why it is the center of our being.  center of our souls.....and we all have the desire to be loved.....

love honestly and truely is the answer.