August 12, 1999

 
 
I am pathetic.....i am sooooo goddamn pathetic.  as i sit here and read my old diary entries i realize the full extent of my patheticism......and it makes me laugh in the midst of my storm of tears.....crazy huh?.  i am so goddamn pathetic....it actually really depresses me and i find myself wanting to be something else.  once again.

why am i pathetic??

because i get attached to people so quickly....and then i'm all like *big gooey eyes* "oh my god.....your amazing..." blah blah blah....and yeah it's nice cos i like being like that.  i like being in love...it's like kinda a part of my exsistance.....i mean....when i'm in love i act more like myself.  i act like me.....just cos i dunno.....love makes me happy.

but while i'm sitting here going *OH my god...wow.....a;lkdf;adkf;lkdaf* and a gibberish....other people are staring at me and going ..... god that is so pathetic cos that guy doesn't like her.  or the person on the other end of my affection is going....um.....you scare me. 

and then they run.....and usually when they run they run away fast.  and quick.....and sooo very VERY sudden that it knocks me off my feet....and lands me flat on my back and i'm like...."shit what the hell just happened...."

and so yeah......thats what has happened the last two times.  I used to think it's all like "well maybe there just too scared of their feelings for me..maybe i threaten their ability to control their life.....maybe there so in love with me that it scares them cos i could hurt them...."

and then just recently i realized...this voice came out of nowhere and is all like.......no staci.....they're not that in love with you.  here's what actually happens...

You fall....and you fall hard.....and then you hit there feet and your going "oh my god i love you so much you are so great....blah blah blah blah" and you throw yourself at them like some pathetic lifeform........your like a goddamn annoying puppy.....at first it's soooo cute and sooo great....and then 20 minutes later your like "okay settle down" and then another 20 minutes later your pushing the damn thing away going "okay knock it the fuck off"....do you realize that staci?  huh?  do you realize that people look at you like some pathetic goddamn puppy???

*evil voice in staci's head continues*  YOU SUCK!!!  okay you just fucking suck ass alright....get it through your thick goddamn skull and then maybe you'll understand why your relationships always end and you always end up in tears.  awhhhh...tears you poor baby....big fat tears......well no one feels sorry for you okay????  grow up....grow a backbone.....get a fucking spine......and give it up.  GET A LIFE....stop wasting your time on someone when you know they'll never love you back.....cos when are you gonna realize that YOU SUCK!!!!!!  your ugly!!!!  your fat and your stupid......you can't do anything right???  LOOK AT YOU!!! your pathetic....your exsitance disgusts yourself and  everyone else!!!  "Skanky Staci" will never die....yes i know you haven't been called that in a long time but who cares!!!!  you suck....now stop your bitching...stop your crying.....and get on with your life.

do you know what it's like to live with that bitch inside my head?  i mean.....it's like for a while i'm all like "hey wow...i'm kinda pretty.....hey woah cool...someone likes me!!  woah!!!!  this is great...woowwoowowowowo" and then *helen* (as i've started to call her) is like all "you suck staci....shut up."

okay now i'm really freaking myself out cos i just named my evil half.......it's like i have MPD.  it's like....oh my god.....this is so sick of me.....

i'm talking to kelpie as i write this...and he's telling me i have "cocker spaniel syndrom".  and he says that it's not true and blah blah blah....and yeah.

and for once in my life i actually don't believe him.  ususally when kelpie says "hey stac...everything is gonna be okay"...i'm like....okay good....but no this time i'm like.....ack.....

No this has nothing to do with jon.....whom is such an angel....oh my god.  he is so great......and i guess i've always thought that so this is no new flash fire thingy.......jon is great and jon has always been great and so that hasn't changed any.

and no.....kristy didn't start this whole thing by having a conversation with me about being pathetic.  actually what started this was being able to hold jon in my arms and i was like "oh my god i'm complete.....wow......i feel warm...i feel safe.....wow.....i feel like.....like clouds...i'm so dizzy....i'm so happy.....wowoow..." and then suddenly it's like i've never felt this happy about anything before......and then my wall kicks in.

and i know i could get hurt....and jon that little angel has the power to take me in his hands and like break me in two.  he has the power to like.....just wreck me.

wrekc me just like ryan did.....or james....or gary....or anyone else thats ever broken my heart.  and it's not like they do it on purpose.....but it's just the fact that they can do it.....the fact that they can do it scares me.

I think i'm gonna be sick.......another thing that makes me pathetic is the fac that my body reacts w/my emotions...i get scared i get sick and i throw up.  i get depressed and i loose my appitite......i get angry and i gain weight......when i'm happy i have lots and lots of energy and i'm going all the time.....even like...stupid things....like when i'm horny my feet twitch....or when i'm really turned on my feet twitch and i shake a lot.

ANYWAY!!!!!!!  but yeah...what am i scared of......

i know i'm falling very VERY much in love with jon....i mean this relationship is soo good.....it's like great. 

and thats what scares me cos everytime something is good and i get attached to it...all of a sudden it's just like ...WELL whoopsie daisy....i forgot something.....i have to go to college/i'm in love with emily/your not good enough for me....

and i'm sooo scared that jon will be like "i love you staci" and then the next minute just get up and walk out.


But yet...i'm not that scared jon will do that.  i mean i am....but i actually feel like he loves me.  he bought me a ring when he was down in texas...and it's really pretty.....and he just bought it cos he liked me that much.  and he pays so much attention to me...like...so much more than he ever EVER did to rachael.  and he likes offers to go out of his way for me....so much more than ryan ever did....and he's nice to my friends.....and he bought me a ring!!!!!!  that was like the nicest thing anyone has ever done...and he just sits there and stares at me and is like....woah...and i'm like "what are you thinking" and he's either like "nothing" or this amazed little "i don't know".  it's really crazy....

and I LOVE IT!!!!  I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT......and i soooo like want to cast a spell against fate and make it stay here forever...

but i believe in fate....and i don't fuck with it......so what will be will be and i think that jon and i are meant to be for a while....hopefully for a long while.

i amuse him =)))))))  god i love that boy.....wowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow

YES I KNOW!!!  i'm pathetic.....but i'm a happy pathetic....so fuck off.