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| "she said i don't know if i've ever
been good enough
i'm a little bit rusty and i think my head is caving in.... and i don't know if i've ever been really loved by a hand thats touched me.... and i feel like something's gonna give and i'm a little bit angry" it's times like these that make me sit and wonder why i'm here and why
i'm this way.
"this aint over..
i know it's too quick....and i know i rushed things to fast...."i fell too fast i feel to much..." and goddamn it i hate myself for it....i hate myself for being this way....and i hate myself more because i know i can't change. I KNOW I CAN"T.....i sat there and argued with myself for days going "no...you don't love him. you don't....you just like him a lot.....you don't love him staci. he doesn't love you....it's too quick...you know that. now if you think like this and feel like this you'll ruin it....just like you always do....you don't love him". and then no..i fight and fight and i can't change. "i wanna push you around
i'm so sick of fighting with myself.....fight fight fight........it's like my stupid fucking parents have taught me that if the words "i love you" aren't in a relationship then it's not any good.......and then there all like..."does he love you??" after the first date.....and GODDAMN IT!!!!!!! yes...it's nice to be loved......but it's even nicer to let that love blossom slowly and then grow during hte relationship instead of starting out like "wham" and then ending up a burnt ember in the end.....goddam it!!!!!!!!! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...i'm so angry at myself...cos i am this way....cos i was taught to be this way....and i can't change and now here i am and i'm gonna ruin everything i have that is good in my life.......GODDAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!! "i said i don't know why he ever would lie to
me
why....why why why can't i be a fucking kitty cat......cats don't have emotions and they don't fall in love. Ya know....this emotion makes me so happy until i realize how much i'm gonna fuck myself over by feeling it....i kinda feel like in loving jon i'm fucking both of us over.....cos we could have something really REALLY good if we took it slow.....we have to take it slow.....and i'm so scared cos i've said it and now i cna't take it back. not that i want to take it back.....cos i mean it.....i never EVER say "i love you" unless i mean it. so if i say it i mean it.....but sometimes i want to take it back and let it come out a lot slower and not so soon so maybe they get attached to me too. why can't someoen just tell me it's all going to be okay????? WHY!!!! "and i don't know why you couldn't just stay with
me....
I am sorry...I am sorry for being myself. it is so sick that i have to apologize for being myself.....for being what i am. a complete fucking idiot who is going to ruin probably the best thing she ever EVER had. "your the good one...i'm the bad one..." "yeah well i can't change
why do i feel like this.....why why why??????
and so i am dumb......i am dumb for being me. but you know what i can't deny my feelings and i can't change them any neither.....so yes. i don't knwo where this is taking me but i guess some day sooner or later i'll figure it out. like i said...i can't deny how i feel...and i know i do love jon. I love him.......but i'm going to try and hold myself off and take things slower on an emotional level....for both our sakes. cos i don't want this to be a flash fire......burn hot, quick, and then die.....i've lit the flame and so far it's a big one.....so lets keep it down a bit and just let it grow some more.....i need to add the wood slowly....or else it will get out of control.....and then i'll have one huge forest fire..... "i wanna push you around...
i guess i'm singing that song to myself......this is like......my protective side speaking to my rush everything side......i wanna push myself around.....and yeah i kinda want to take it for granted and forget that i can feel so strongly about people, thats a good quality....i have passion.....but it needs to be dormant for a while... "oh well don't blow me over
and it's not like i'm scared to love jon....well, i am. i'm scared that if i love him to much to quikc....to strong to soon....he'll get scared and run away. i don't want to be an obsessive psyco girlfriend.....i'm not. god no i know i'm not that =). i know i'm not pathetic.......i just don't want to scare him off with all my passion. i mean....were both young.....and i want this to last. i want to love him for a long time.....possibly forever.......and most things get better with age and takeing care of.....so i want to cradle this love like it's my baby and be good to it and not rush it into anything. cos i don't want to ruin it.......i care about him so much.....i don't want him to run away from me. but i do love him.....i know i do. why else would i be so worried about him getting scared and running
if i didnt?
but he is lucky too......cos if i do a good job with myself and i take
good care of him and this wonderful amazing thing that we have in our hands.......i
swear to god i will make him soooooo happy.
and all of this...all of this talking. makes me wonder if maybe im really older than a lot of people i know on an emotional level.....and i hope...i hope that i can find someone some day who can match me on an emotional level. i hope it's jon.....but i'm not gonna rush him.....not going to rush him. you know what????? I LOVE ME
i love me |
| *ROTFLMAO* i am sad. okay i have figured out what the hell
my problem is =) *Laughs some more* okay here's what happens...i see jon, or i see angi, or i see kristy....or in the past it's been anyone i've ever cared about immensly. and i spend time with them....good time, fun time.....great time.....and then we go home and we start talking and by the time they leave...i'm really dead tired and my emotions go psyco =). so i'm just sleepy...and pmsy i think when i write these.....thats why i'm adding more onto this when i'm wide awake and up and dancy =). i got off the phone w/kristy just a few minutes ago....and i was like
like explaining to her the whole hobie thing =). i really would like
to talk to this guy.......some how i have a feeling that he is the outside
force in my life that will knock me back into my sences once again =). "i'm not a junkie for your love i'm not a junkie
i'm not a junkie for your love
i am not a junkie....
don't tell the captain
don't you tell him what i've done"
hahahahahahhahahaha!!!!! *sneaky* i could even be a spy........wooooo....*sneaks around computer* there's that damn cricket thats been making so much racket!!!!! DIEEEE!! okay so if this is what i'm like when i'm WIDE AWAKE.....and i'm depressed and stupid and pathetic when i'm tired........ *question of the day* what am i like when i'm drunk??? Why do all my horoscope descriptions describe me as a selfish, pathetic, sex addict??????? it's really starting to piss me off.....and then there all like "but wait....there are some good points" and i'm just like.....ya know...fuck you!. i am me and i happen to kinda like what i am so eat me!!!! eat me with a spoon freak!!!!! I just sounded a little like my friend greg....who is very VERY funny. I miss all my people......ackka;dkf;adklfjad;fkdajsfd i miss jon. actually it' kinda freaks me out cos on the phone this morning i felt like it was already dying out. and that would upset me a lot....thats why were not gonna talk about it. its' not....he likes me =) he likes me a lot...... "SHE LIKES ME FOR ME!!! not because i hang with leonardo
or that crazy guy from fargo
i think his name was steve...
she's the one for me
..blab blah blah blah blah
my arms belong around her
and i'm so glad i found her once
again =))))
she likes me for me not because i sing like pavaratti
or because i'm such a hottie
blah blah blah blah blah
i like her for her...."
i like that song =))))))) that is another song that would make me happy if someone said it reminded them of me...that song, and "dizzy" by the goo goo dolls. and the ultimate has always been "to be with you" by mr. big. just cos angi said someone was gonna play that song for me some day. there is a fly attacking me.......i must go kill...KILL KILL KILL!!!!! "You fuck with fate you fuckb up yo life!!!" <-- thank you kristy =) |