August 15, 1999

*Steps up on Soap Box*

LOVE!!!  LOVE MY PEOPLE LOVE!!!  GODAMNIT I"M SO SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE DOWN PLAYING THIS EMOTION AND MAKING PEOPLE LIKE ME OUT TO BE PATHETIC LIFEFORMS!!!!!!!!  

personally, i think it's pathetic that they can't recognize that the whole being of a humans exsistance is the desire to be loved.  from the time we are born until the time we die we have that desire in us.....wether it's to be loved by you friends, or to have friends, your parents, co-workers, teachers, pets, members of the opposite sex.........you have the desire to be loved.  you want to be admired....you want to be adored...and you fucking know it!!!

now what seperates the selfish ones from the good people in my head are the people who not only want to be loved but want to give it back to people in return.  I mean......yes we all have that want to be desired by someone uncontrollably.....i mean yeah it'd be great to have someone worship the ground i walk on.

but i want to love someone too....i have a lot to give.  and so does everyone else......everyone has love to give....were born with it.  it's a god given thing that in life we are going to be loved and some day were going to fall in love with someone else.  there IT"S A FUCKING FACT!!!

and yes people are going to get hurt.....your going to cry, your going to bawl, your going to want to kill yourself.....your going to lose someone you love some day and your going to think thoughts like "oh my god i can't live with out you"  and "my life sucks with out you" and the list goes on....i know this because i've felt like this.  i've felt like this....i've cried my eyes out over someone cos i lvoed them so much.  and i know plenty of other people who have done the exact same thing....exact...had the exact same thoughts....and exact same emotions.

no this is not a dramatization...it happens.  sometimes when people break up one of them doesn't eat for days....or sleep for days, or hell weeks...maybe even months.  when james and i broke up i didn't eat anything for a week....and i had a hell of a time sleeping.........and when i lost one of my friends the same thing happened.  

kelpie's had the same thing happen to him....so has angi....so has an abundant amount of other people i know.  your body like...flips out.....whether you can't eat or sleep....or maybe it makes you sick to think about being with another person....or everytime you see someone new you see your ex love in there eyes.  you get obsessed......and your life sucks.  and it sucks for a while....and then you have the fucking rebound relationships jsut to get your mind off them.....and those suck too becasue you end up feeling guilty...

and yes then you get better.  you do get better....and your life is good again.  and then you meet someone new and the vicious cycle starts all over again.

and is this worth it people?? YES!!!!!

I DON"T CARE what the world says i think that this emotion despite all the pain and anger and saddness that can result from feeling love for a person is completely and utterly worth it.

why?

becuase i care about other people than myself.....i have a lot to give and i like to make people happy......and when i love someone i would do almsot anything for them.  when i really love someone i would do anything for them.....and when i get to the true love point.....i am theres....and anything they want they can have.......i'd lay my life down for somone i truely loved.

and i believe in soulmates....and i believe in fate.  and i believe that when we are born we are not just 1 soul....were halfs of one.  god splits us up and sends us apart.....and then the whole mission, dating, falling in love.....is a test to see if we can find our other half.  this other half theory would also explain sex.....why we fit together like pieces of a puzzle.  

so you see people!!!!!!  it's good....lvoe is a good thing.  AND I'M NOT PATHETIC BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THIS....and just to prove my point that love is an extremely powerful emotion.....here are some choice things that i am forcing upon you.  

pain....love equals pain.  just look at these.

 #1 Crush 
You Look So fine
Gravel
Adam and Eve
Superhero
nobody loves me
done wrong


and along with love comes a lot of strange but extremely powerful and romatic emotions.

summerland <--I LOVE THIS SONG..this song reminds me soo much of jon it's not even funny
junkie
Colorblind

and fighting....or disagreements...

high enough
no sex
both hands

and finally just pure and utter obsession with the person whom your in love with.

Iris
glycerine
Everlong
I love you

and this....this right here....is a poem my sister wrote that completely describes my relationship w/my first boyfriend gary....to exact...it's so creepy how exact this poem is

and this right here.... is a link to a poem written by a cool girl i know named anna.  her page is on my links......this poem equals my emotions completely when i am in love with a person

and that is my shpeel....love is a great thing and you...everyone will experience the full pain and sorrow along with the pure and entire happiness it equals some day...i guarantee it.

*steps off soap box*

oh yeah..one more thing...*steps back on soap box*....

just because kids shoot each other in schools like columbine....doesn't mean that i am a nut case with a gun in my hand...thank you.

*steps off soap box*

this kinda hurt....i found out tonight that my suspicions were confirmed and emily and james have had sex.  how do i know this...oh apparantly on a camping trip they were having sex in a tent and everyone was hearing them....emily screaming things like "oh god...fuck me harder james.  harder....no do it right....oh god fuck me harder".  

now this was according to laura....whom i don't know whether to believe or not.  she just may have made up thats what they said....but i do know from amanda and emily herself that people did hear them having sex in a tent.

yeah.....it kinda hurt....i mean....cos well.....yeah.  and apprantly james told a lot of people that we had sex in a pasture....and i'm like okay asshole....first off you were precious to me...i loved you, and the only reason i had sex with you is because i loved you.......no other reason then that.  the pleasure meant nothing.....i just liked being that close to you.  but no....i know you used me for something.....and now you blab it to everyone.  THANK YOU ASSHOLE FOR MAKING ME LOOK AND FEEL LIKE  A SLUT.   you know what...the more and more i keep thinkng about it.....the more and more it disgusts my every cell in my body that i slept with james......that i gave myself to him......that i gave myself to HIM.  the one thing i can only give once i let him have so easily.....he took it so easly.

so selfishly.....and now i'm nothing.  now he wont even speak to me....

it disgusts me.....also...of the things ryan and i did.......

and to be perfectly honest.......the thought of having someone touch me like that again makes me want to throw up.   because I only give myself like that to people i love....people i trust.....

and now....i'm almost afraid to trust anyone anymore when i think about it hard enough.
it really hurts.......more than i want to admit.  it hurts bad.

putting the damage on