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| i feel like a zombie. I don't know whats wrong with me lately. maybe i just need to get some fucking sleep....god knows you can never have to much of that. i feel so lonely.... and it's like i have NO reason to be depressed. jon is an angel, kristy is great, angi and i talk a lot more now, all my friends at school are nice, i have a lot of friends.....my classes are okay. and for some reason i just feel so... empty. i feel empty.... and the only time's i feel happiness anymore is when jon is holding me or when i'm talking to kelpie. otherwise, no matter how much fun i'm having theres so much emptiness and and lonliness. i'm just so sick of being this age...i just want to grow up and get married. i want to be an actress...i want to be loved unconditionally......i want someone to love me...i want someone to sit there and say stuff like.. "staci your so wonderful. i love you so much, you make me so happy. you make me feel so good inside, i love you the most. you are the best thing that has ever happened to me." i just want to hear that. i want to hear someone say it so bad. because...i love jon that much. i love him so goddamn much it scares me. and it makes me so happy when he holds me..... i just need to be loved. for a while.. i'm sleepy..i need to rest. and i need to stop playing with these sharp objects again. usually after i sleep this tends to go away and i'm my old self again. well i've woken up...and i have more energy...thank god. but i'm still....just empty inside. i've been sitting here for the last half hour...just listening to jon's kid rock cd that he loaned me....which i really like......but yeah, usually when i listen to it i' like bouncin around and singing and what not. but no i just sat on the couch and rocked....and played with matches. what is wrong with me? i haven't felt like this in years.....i mean it's like i have everything in the entire world to be happy about. everything.....but i'm soo depressed. like.....i just am. i don't have my math done...so i should go do that after i get done with this....so at least say i've done something today....and i have to put some clothes away....and i have to go to work....which takes me away from the ones i love the most. *sigh* i don't know whats wrong with me....kelpie said i should go back to a psycologist....but i don't want to. and why does no one ever write me back? all i want is a letter in my mailbox for once.....no one ever writes me back. "baby's black balloon makes her
fly
almost fell into that hole in
your life
you weren't thinkin bout tomarrow
cos you were the same as me
but on your knees
a thousand other boys could never
reach you"
that song is like my song...i love it so much...it
like almost makes me cry...but at the same time makes me so happy.
thats another song by the goo goo dolls that i would just like die happy
if someone told me it reminded them of me."how could i have been the one?" maybe i just need someone to reach me...finally....after all these years. break through my cynicism.....i don't believe anything anymore. yeah me...the huge believer in fate and that love is everything and that i can do anything if i really want to...has lost her belief in almost everything. i guess theres only a few things i know in life right now.
2. Kristy, Angi, Crystal, and Travis are my best friends 3. Kelpie is my guardian angel 4. And i miss smitty, i haven't seen him in a while and for some reason he cheers me up too. "i saw the world spin beneth you and scatter the ice from the spoon that was your womb coming down the world turned over and angels fall with out you there and i go on as you get colder or are you someone's prayer?" being someone's prayer would kick ass. "all the lies the others told you and the love you never knew was it things they never showed you that swallowed the light from the sun inside your room... coming down the world turned over and angels fall with out you there and i go on as you get colder or are you someone's prayer... and theres no time left for losing when you stand they fall coming down the world turned over and angels fall with out you there and i go on as you get colder all because i'm all because i'm and i'll become what you became to me..." god i love music that stirs up interesting thoughts...it's like i know what people mean to me. but what do i mean to someone else...huh??? what do i mean to YOU who are reading this? am i just some person that is really sad and pathetic that you can compare your life to? do i interest you? fascinate? intrigue? do you love me? hate me? jelous? dispise me? are you curious? tell me.....tell me what your thinking. show me you care....tell me and show me. words are just sounds, but actions speak so much louder. like when someone says they care and then says good bye and runs away...what does that mean?. actions speak louder than words.... because sometimes there are no words and all you can do is show. so what do i mean to you? |